December 2009
3 posts
Alison just thought about it again
Wendy: The dog we rescued had been horrifically neglected
We had to do a Swan-style makeover on her
remember that show?
Alison: braces and nose job?
Wendy: practically
they made everyone on that show look like a stripper
Alison: I often wonder what would happen if you took your dog to a plastic surgeon and asked for some plastic surgery for your dog
and it's upsetting that I OFTEN wonder this
but I do
Wendy: wow, how often?
like every few minutes?
Alison: more often than I think about sex
Wendy: hmmm
Alison: is that unusual?
I just figure everyone thinks about it
or is doing it
Wendy: maybe you could combine those thoughts and think about having sex with the perfect dog
Alison: I'm thinking about it right now
Wendy: hotttt
Alison: totally hotttttt
Alison wants to know if you are going to take the...
Wendy: how do people in new york feel about that "Empire State" song by Jay-Z?
Alison: mostly I hear negative reactions to it
Wendy: I feel like if someone wrote a song about LA, I'd be like, cool it
Alison: and by that I mean I read negative reactions on twitter
Wendy: of COURSE you love New York. Jay-Z, you're a fucking billionaire
Alison: yeah
Wendy: you can buy a taxi and drive it around central park. right? that's what people do in new york?
Alison: that's the dream, yes. to own your own taxi
Wendy: young Broadway dancers say, "someday i'll buy a taxi and drive it around central park!"
Alison: it's what so many songs are about
Wendy: then i'll buy a subway car and ride it to see the statue of liberty with rudolph giuliani! and the musical "Cats."
Alison: I'm going to one day own my own subway car and then I'll charge exorbitant rates to give people rides. I'll be like Daddy Warbucks. if he had anything to do with subways
Wendy: he did
Alison: I suspected he did
Wendy: that's why they call subways "warbucks"
Alison: Ah! I never made the connection before
Wendy: there you go
Alison: when I'm in a rush I just say, "I'm going to take the 'bucks"
Wendy: yes. you do say that
Alison: like, "Are you going to call a friend who owns a cab or are you going to take the 'bucks?"
June 2009
1 post
March 2009
9 posts
this is a stylish daytime post
ALISON: hi!
WENDY: hello!
ALISON: how goes it?
WENDY: good
thinking about putting some pants on soon
ALISON: what kind of pants?
it's interesting because I'm thinking about taking some pants off soon
WENDY: just, you know, daytime pants
ALISON: I have daytime pants too!
WENDY: like people wear who don't work from home
ALISON: oh
wait
that's a different type of daytime pant
WENDY: this sweater and pajama bottoms look i'm rocking is great, mind you
ALISON: you're talking full on public pants
WENDY: wait, tell me more about your daytime pants
signed, curious in california
ALISON: well they're really my writing pants
which if you say it fast sounds like riding pants
hence, conjures some kind of stylish jodpurs
but no
they are velour sweat pants
elastic waist
WENDY: oh, very 2002
ALISON: draw string
WENDY: go onnnnnnnnnn
ALISON: they're also for light erranding
WENDY: i just got a daytime boner
ALISON: often I'll wear them in the morning, take a shower, and then put them back on
that's when I really feel good about the way my life is going
Wendy has taken her profile down.
WENDY: okay let's pretend like it's three months ago and discuss the movie "twilight"
ALISON: ok!
WENDY: did u see?
oh boy
it's awkward
ALISON: I did see it
it's very awkward
have you?
WENDY: i have watched half
oh boy
if that's what teenage vampire love is like, i'm going to take my picture down from TeenageVampireBook
and my profile
and i am not going to superpoke any teen vampires
ALISON: I totally hate the teenagevampirebook resdesign!!!!
The first rule of wikipedia? You must talk about...
WENDY: wikipedia is pretty full of itself
look at me, I know everything
ALISON: look at me, I'm full of rules and special instructions that no one understands
they are like mufti
WENDY: yeah
i changed someone's wikipedia once. someone I knew was lying on their page.
ALISON: oh yeah? should we explain mufti for chris our one fan?
WENDY: oh yeah, mufti was a secret society at Pomona College which no one cared about or wanted to be in
Would you like to watch some TV? Perhaps some...
ALISON: what else should we talk about?
WENDY: hmmm
britney spears showed her vagina
ALISON: nice!
WENDY: at a concert
and called it her "pussy" in front of everyone
ALISON: you're at a concert?
WENDY: no, but britney was
ALISON: I missed that first line
WENDY: i just talk about my vagina at home
ALISON: do you call it something different in front of other people?
WENDY: yeah, I call it "Dancing With the Stars"
ALISON: that's what you call it when you have company over?
WENDY: yes
i say, would you like to see Dancing With The Stars?
ALISON: because you invited me to a dancing with the stars viewing party
and clearly I didn't realize what I was potentially in for!
that's so disengenous Wendy
I feel like if you wanted to show off your lady parts you could just be more straightforward about it
WENDY: fine.
would you like to come over on Thursday for the "Idol Results Show?"
BRING LUBE
Wandy and Elison: Bed spallers
WENDY: i used to be a really good speller
ALISON: me too!
WENDY: i peaked in fourth grade when i went to the regional championships
in Marion County
ALISON: wow
WENDY: I lost on "ombudsman"
ALISON: how did you spell it?
WENDY: i dunno
just wrong
ALISON: yeah I used to be pretty good at spelling too
and now I'm somewhere between retarded and moronic
it's a and e that get me
like inadvertent?
or inadvertant?
WENDY: the first one
ALISON: alison or elison?
WENDY: wandy molynaux
ALISON: hm, I wonder what I twittered last night
WENDY: were you drunk?
ALISON: : nope
just kind of stapid
raterdad. I don't mean I don't know WHAT I twittered
I mean I don't know which way I spelled inadvertent
WENDY: i can't get into twitter
i really don't want anyone to know what i'm doing or how i feel
that's what makes my marriage work
ALISON: : I imagine, yes
WENDY: secrets
a wall of silence
ALISON: I've decided that my general feeling on these matters is: "please don't be yourself around me"
WENDY: emotional inaccessibility
ALISON: sounds very comforting
Wendy's exciting career news, now with...
WENDY: i am super-urban
my rap career is about to drop, as they say.
right now it's mainly mumbling to myself and not making eye contact, but that's how most rappers start off
ALISON: wow you must so excited!
are you?
WENDY: yeah
i'm cautiously optimistic
that's the name of my album
and also my rap moniker
ALISON: I like it
WENDY: it was either "cautiously optimistic" or "courtney"
i think i made the right choice
ALISON: not "this 40's half full"?
WENDY: yeah, but like 1940's right?
my rap has a 1940's theme
ALISON: that's why you're about to drop and go viral
WENDY: My sound evinces both the relief that the long wars in Europe and Asia are over, but also the grinding sense of moral ambiguity about the dropping of the A-bomb
which will eventually explode into the outright anti-government stance of the populace in the 60s and 70s
ALISON: but you can dance to it
WENDY: yep
my rap got a 5 on the US History AP exam
ALISON: your rap had a pretty cushy senior year of college because it had some credits already, huh?
WENDY: you betcha!
ALISON: my one woman show only got a 2 on the AP History exam
it's called "Hooray for the Hindenberg"
and it's about great moments in history
WENDY: yeah, "hooray for the hindenburg" is a pretty unsupportable position
ALISON: like how flappers invented the printing press
(flapping paper)
WENDY: oh boy
it's wrong AND it's a pun
ALISON: and how you can cure polio with bathtub gin
WENDY: gunshot sound
Meet Alison at Hollywood and Vine!
WENDY: all my friends from Kansas City worked at Hallmark at some point
ALISON: really?
on the compound?
it sounds like it's its own city
Hallmark, MO
WENDY: like a smurf village
ALISON: wait, is it MO or is it KS
WENDY: because kc is in KS and MO
everyone really CARES
whether you say they are from KS or MO
ALISON: I wonder why that is
WENDY: i guess if it's like Orange County/LA
Like you are from OC and I am from LA
WENDY: which makes me better than you
ALISON: right
it makes you more urban
ALISON: maybe because if you're telling someone to meet you you want to make sure they know to go to the right state
WENDY: right, like how many times have you and I not met up because I meant to meet at the Hollywood and Vine intersection in Ohio
and there you were standing at the Hollywood and Vine in Montana
like a jackass
ALISON: and was hoping you meant the Hollywood and Vine intersection in my living room
that happened once
Alison stole your feelings.
WENDY: so what is going on?
you bankrupted Hallmark magazine?
ALISON: oh yes, I bankrupted Hallmark magazine
because I drank all their coffee
and I stole all the shoeboxes
WENDY: yep
and all the FEELINGS
ALISON: I also ransacked the sentiment
and looted the whimsy
February 2009
6 posts
Gloves beneath our gloves
ALISON: so I was cleaning my bathroom earlier
WENDY: uh huh
ALISON: and sometimes I wear those super sexy gloves
WENDY: the yellow ones
ALISON: to protect my skin from harsh chemicals or something
mine are more seafoam
WENDY: sexy
ALISON: but yes, they're like yellow ones
but I think the gloves irritate my skin
I need gloves under the gloves
WENDY: : latex allergy?
that's a real thing
ALISON: I don't think these are latex
WENDY: and very common according to tv shows about doctors
ALISON: they're sheepskin
I can really feel the toilet and sink better
WENDY: oh, that's very mediaeval
ALISON: they're more expensive
but more intimate
WENDY: i spelled thta wrong
and again
ALISON: I thought it was olde mediaeaaval spelling
like faerie
It's just Perez Hilton now.
{ed. note: this post is about last week's big kerfuffle when tumblr decided to take down a few blogs that were deemed to be too "harrassing" of other tumblr users.}
ALISON: so I heard that tumblr put those blogs back up? is that true?
WENDY: yeah, they are back up
so dumb
ALISON: totally
WENDY: i wonder if tumblr will take down our blog because we are so negative to ourselves
we had to save the tumblr community from self-harrassment
any blogger with low self esteem will be censored
ALISON: that would be so great
ha
WENDY: i wish they would
ALISON: the internet would be so... small
WENDY: yeah
it would just be perez hilton
"wait, let me put lipstick on this post"
WENDY: i am going to try taking snapshots of our chats to post
instead of copying and pasting
ME: wait, let me put lipstick on this post
WENDY: but if your gmail saves it automatically will you email me?
ME: ok ready
WENDY: open a button
another one
STOP CRYING
I WANT TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE
ME: how's this?
WENDY: Don't be such a baby
ME: I want our chats to be shot tastefully
WENDY: you'll never get ahead in this town unless you let me take sexy pictures of your i.m.s
ME: well, they're just for your personal collection right?
WENDY: hmm. no, the snaps won't work
ME: ok let me see if I close this window if it automatically saves
hold
WENDY: i mean, i can save it too
but i thought if yours autosaved it'd be easy
ME: yeah I was able to pull it up
it autosaves
WENDY: sweet
ME: awesome
so should I put my clothes back on?
WENDY: NO
i like you natural
It's not what you're eating, it's that you're...
ALISON: hey!
hello
WENDY: i am watching millionaire matchmaker
but i should be sorting my mail
i hate mail
ALISON: I hate mail too
in fact, I hardly ever open it
WENDY: it's all junk
i remember when i was a kid and mail was so exciting
ALISON: so when you say "sort" do you mean "throw out"
WENDY: shred
probably
ALISON: oooh fancy
i don't have a mail shredder
I have to eat mine
October 2008
7 posts
This blog post is tired of your lies!
ALISON: did you watch the debate last night?
WENDY: on and off
i have mccain fatigue
and republican fatigue
like it's like being at the end of a relationship with an alcoholic
and you look around and you've lost your house and your caar
you have a black eye
the kids are in foster care
and they are like
BABY IT WILL GET BETTER
and you are like, no, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE
ALISON: and you're like "are you going to quit drinking?"
WENDY: right
ALISON: and they are like "well, no, but"
WENDY: and they are like, no, the drinking surge is working!
stay the course
ALISON: they are like,
thinking
I'm thinking here
yeah, they are like just what you said!
Despite this post, Alison wants you to know that...
WENDY: are you taking the plunge?
can i come to your wedding?
ALISON: yes! I was hoping you would perform at our wedding
WENDY: sure
my yodeling?
ALISON: yes!
WENDY: or my striptease?
ALISON: god I'm so bad at decisions
which is more matrimonial?
WENDY: or my yodelteases?
ALISON: yes! that
that sounds perfect
it's a theme wedding
the theme is "Jamaica me crazy"
WENDY: perfect
ALISON: and the colors we've chosen are sage and sagebrush
WENDY: i'll hire tom cruise circa Cocktail
i'm going for a walk now
ttyl!
good luck
i hope you fall in love
because i don't hate him
ALISON: that's the nicest thing i've ever heard
Alison gives Wendy a preview of her stand up
WENDY: so what's up with you
did you throw up today?
ALISON: I didn't yet
WENDY: loser
ALISON: I know
I have to get on that more
well I live in Brooklyn now
WENDY: oh right
you are cool now
ALISON: totally
although I'm not in the cool part
and I'm doing stand up on Sunday
for the first time ever!
WENDY: do you wear legwarmers and get all your food out of a dumpster and buy cocaine from your landlord?
ALISON: yep
WENDY: and you have a cat named jesus?
ALISON: and a hermit crab named the antichrist
WENDY: oh, so standup
that sounds terrifying
the stand-up, not the hermit crab
ALISON: I'm not that scared
which is probably a bad thing
WENDY: nah, that's good!
audiences are like children
they respond well to confidence
ALISON: I look back on some dumb things I've done in life and think "I should have had more fear"
but ok
have you ever done it?
WENDY: um, no
i only do stuff with other people
hit me with one of your jokes
ALISON: did you hear the one about potato leek soup? it got everywhere
just kidding
that's not in my standup
WENDY: oh boy
wow
that is
hold on
um
geez
ALISON: are you barfing again?
Let's cut to the chase: someone threw up this...
WENDY: HI!
ALISON: well hello!
WENDY: Okay, before we talk about anything else, let's talk about the sadness that was my morning
ALISON: ok
WENDY: I joined a lady-gym
that shall remain nameless
ALISON: curves?
WENDY: and i feel like to justify -- HEY I SAID NAMELESS!!!
ALISON: I don't follow direction well. okay, carry on
WENDY: anyway, to justify going there, I feel like I have to like, work out the hardest and burn a million calories
and they have a computer that tells you
so today, i really outdid myself
532 calories
and then
ALISON: wow!
WENDY: i threw up
ALISON: double wow
WENDY: in the bathroom
of the tiny curves
and i'm sure everyone heard me
even though
they totally didn't
ALISON: they probably think you're bulimic
ha ha
and an exercise nut
WENDY: gross
i ate breakfast right before i went
BIG MISTAKE
ALISON: what were you doing that led to the throwing up? (which machine?)
WENDY: the whole thing
i finished my workout
and then sailed right into the bathroom and tossed my cookies
but i get to add that on to my calorie loss right?
ALISON: totally
WENDY: just so our readers are clear
i am not skinny nor am i a nut
i am just a sad lady
who throws up at curves
and then goes home and eats a ho ho
ALISON: to replenish?
WENDY: sure
let's say
ALISON: you probably needed it
WENDY: i actually thought "well, i threw up, so surely i can eat this ho ho"
ALISON: to replace electrolytes and hoho...bits
WENDY: if bulimics were like me they'd be better off
balance your vomiting with a sensible hostess snack
ALISON: haha
but think if you ate the hoho before you threw up!
then you'd have a calorie defecit that would allow for like, a whole entenmanns
WENDY: oh my god
THAT IS MY DREAM
ALISON: I know, right?
WENDY: i should stroll out of the bathroom at Curves eating a box of donuts
and be like, "what, I THREW UP!"
STOP STARING AT ME
August 2008
0 posts
Wendy doesn't care about how Alison almost ate a...
ALISON: any natural disaster befall you because I have a disgusting animal story to tell you about
WENDY: shit. in meeting all day
about to go back in
so save it for tomorrow
ALISON: ok. I'll give you a hint to take to your meeting: caterpillar eggs
WENDY: yikes
no thanks
bye forever
July 2008
6 posts
Alison Is So Worried About Me
alison: hello!
Wendy: hi
Wendy: how goes?
alison: I just got back from apartment hunting
alison: mike walked around with me
alison: it's exhausting
alison: how goes with you?
alison: also have you seen that beast of a thing on gawker? it frightens me
Wendy: it's some kind of PR thing
alison: yeah
alison: do you think it's a photoshopped photo?
Wendy: i am not sure
Wendy: and i believe that you are experiencing "generalized anxiety"
alison: like head of a turtle and body of a dog or something
Wendy: but here's the thing
Wendy: if it was real
Wendy: would be on THE NEWS
alison: true
Wendy: and yes, i am fine after the earthquake, thanks for asking
Wendy: now let's talk about an imaginary pig dog again
alison: I was just going to ask!
Wendy: ha ha ha
alison: because I just realized what an asshole I am
Wendy: my nephew called it an earth cake
alison: that's so cute!
Wendy: and said he "heard" it
alison: aww
Wendy: kids say the darndest things
Wendy: about natural disasters
alison: where were you when it hit and was it insane?
Wendy: i was on the second story of a high rise
Wendy: so it was a little unsettling
Wendy: but you know, earthquakes are great as long as you live
alison: did you get under a desk or go into a doorway?
Wendy: you pretty much know the outcome right away
alison: I've never actually seen anyone get under a desk
Wendy: are you getting a place by yourself?
alison: I just realized I didn't even mention the earthquake in the email I sent last night
alison: sorry
Wendy: i really don't care
alison: you're so proud wendy
alison: still upper lip
alison: stiff I meant
alison: but still upper lip, too
Wendy: i just thought it was funny
Wendy: that you were so worried about that imaginary pig dog
alison: well, it's scary
Wendy: and fake
alison: yeah
alison: I mean scary looking
alison: not like actually scary
Wendy: sure
alison: or rather, I mean gross looking
Wendy: true
Wendy: are you moving to brooklyn
Wendy: ?
Wendy: like everyone in new york does?
alison: well actually I'd say at this point it's 50/50
alison: I could go either way
Wendy: manhattan is deserted right? i saw that documentary, "I Am Legend"
Wendy: don't live in manhattan
alison: manhattan is completely underwater
Wendy: will smith will try to talk to you
alison: I'm wearing a snorkel right now
alison: will smith just swam by
Wendy: oh, is the head of the statue of liberty still in the street?
alison: yes
alison: hobos are living inside it
alison: hobos and hermit crabs
Wendy: well, keep a still upper lip about it
This post is about your mom.
alison: hi! I have to leave in about 5 mins for a meeting
Wendy: okay!
Wendy: can i come?
Wendy: i'll get in my pneumatic tube
alison: well, we were kind of going to be talking about you
alison: do you think it would be awkward?
Wendy: oh
Wendy: is it with my mom?
alison: yeah, with your mom and your sisters
Wendy: i already know what she thinks of me
Wendy: i read her blog
alison: I think she says stuff on twitter that's different from what she says on her blog
alison: just so you know
Wendy: i'll just stay here then
Wendy: tell them i love them
alison: will do!
I think, therefore I'm a meat piñata
ALISON: hello!
WENDY: hi meat piñata
ALISON: I feel so objectified when you call me that
WENDY: and i feel objectified when you don't
ALISON: look wendy
WENDY yes?
ALISON: I see you as so much more than the frilly bits of paper you coat yourself in
I see you as a constellation of things and ideas
you're like a tag cloud to me
and so to just call you meat piñata
feels wrong to me
WENDY: look, haven't you ever heard the saying, "tell pretty people they are smart, tell smart people they are pretty, and tell wendy she's a meat piñata" in an obscure reference to a party you went to where they actually had a meat piñata?
ALISON: I have heard that
I just don't really see how it applies here
June 2008
5 posts
"I'm not sure you know what words mean."
ALISON: you know you're perverted when you read a sentence involving pearl earrings and you kind of titter to yourself
and then you remember that actually there's nothing perverted about pearl earrings
WENDY: i thought only "pearl necklace" was dirty
ALISON: yeah, it is
WENDY: what if i said "diamond anklet"?
would you get a boner?
ALISON: no
but when you said boner I did
it just happened again!
WENDY: oh boy
ALISON: and again!
WENDY: i'm not sure you know what words mean
ALISON: I can't hear you
I have boners in my ears
I've sort of painted myself into a corner humorwise with this one
WENDY: oh boy
ALISON: boner!
WENDY: use the trapdoor
ALISON: I wonder what ever happened to boner from growing pains
mike "boner" stabone
WENDY: isn't he leonardo dicaprio now?
ALISON: no
leonardo dicaprio played someone else
I think he played carol
WENDY: oh, i thought kirk cameron played carol.
This Post Is Sassy But Also Vulnerable... Just...
ALISON: okay so I actually saw the movie yesterday
don't tell me what happened!
WENDY: how was it?
ALISON: well I'd heard that it was SO GOOD
and SO SAD
WENDY: not possible
ALISON: I know you are wondering who the hell I'm hanging out with that I heard these things
WENDY: yeah
ALISON: I heard I would cry all the way through
my ex-boyfriend the film critic is one of them!
WENDY: were you with kim cattrall and a publicist from the film
?
ALISON: and then I got invited to a luncheon of women who'd all seen the film
it was probably the only time I've ever hung out with a group of 8 women
and they said they cried all the way through
and that it was more about the friendships than anything
anyway
I didn't cry
it was good
but not AMAZING or anything
I looked at my watch a few times
it wasn't believable, which I know is a shocker
but I'd specifically asked people if it's believable and they said yes
WENDY: again
maybe don't ask that of kristin davis
ALISON: I was mostly distracted by the way chris noth's lower eyelids kind of sag at the corners
WENDY: and a studio executive
ALISON: yeah
well I think the best about people
I'm like charlotte
but then sometimes I'm kinda gay
so I'm like miranda
and then sometimes I wear shoulder pads, so I'm like samantha
and sometimes I'm annoying like carrie
my god, they really are everywoman!
and who can forget the fifth character...New York City
if I hear that new york is the fifth character one more time I'm going to puke
This post is a Miranda!
WENDY: hi!
ALISON: hello!
WENDY: how goes?
ALISON: it's hot in NYC
how goes it with you?
WENDY: just recovering from goin to see SATC five times
or no times
ALISON: I saw it so many times my period synced with the show times
I think wearing a tutu was a mistake though
scratchy!
WENDY: that's weird since none of those women are probably still getting periods
SNAP!
i made a joke about old people!
ALISON: oh you didn't!
WENDY: i am so funny
i wore stilettos on my hands and feet!
ALISON: which did you walk on?
WENDY: neither
i had a chris noth lookalike
carry me on a litter
ALISON: a litter?
WENDY:
yes, a litter
is like a palanquin
or sedan chair
like cleopatra was carried on
ALISON: gotcha
I only know from cabs
and magic carpets
WENDY: i am just digging into the VF Clinton story
i feel like it's a non-scandal
like, hey surprise! he's rich and powerful and can't keep his dick in his pants!
ALISON: does bill die?
WENDY: he winds up with Big
ALISON: that is scandalous!
WENDY: after Big jilts him at the altar
May 2008
6 posts
this post was NOT written by a banana
WENDY: can they please stop airing the hills
that show is SO stupid
they aren't even trying
ALISON: hush your mouth!
bite your tongue!
WENDY: no
ALISON: recuse yourself!
WENDY: i won't
ALISON: if you happen to be the lawyer on a case about the hills
WENDY: that is the worst show ever
ALISON: recuse yourself!
WENDY: i am suing the hills
for being so horrible
and triggering the apocalypse
ALISON: people say this. I hear this allegation
and yet, I don't see it
to me it's just awesome
WENDY: don't get me wrong. at first it was kinda fun
but now the producers are saying it's the new "friends"
ALISON: oh
well that is bullshit
and sacrilege
WENDY: that's like saying a photograph of me eating pizza is the new "thirtysomething"
that was a show with writers
the hills is like a series of catalogue photographs
with more staring
and less content
ALISON: it's like saying a video of me ice skating is the new where in the world is carmen san diego
WENDY: EXACTLY
my metaphors need work
that's the takeaway
ALISON: I didn't watch the hills last night
but i recorded it
WENDY: just set your tv on fire
and then throw it at lauren conrad
ALISON: who do you like best/least?
WENDY: everyone
WENDY: btw, i'm gonna try to go to yoga today
that's gonna blow
ALISON: do you do yoga?
WENDY: um, not yet!
i have this idea that I really wanna do yoga
but i am SO LAZY
maybe I should declare that I am going to really start
here on the internets
ALISON: do it!
our commenters will keep you honest
WENDY: so I will keep the promise
just like everyone keeps their promises on the inter nets
like "i am eighteen" or "i am not in prison"
those are two popular internet truths
ALISON: or "I'm female"
WENDY: "i'm not a superintelligent gorilla that learned how to type"
ALISON: "I'm not a giant banana that has a personal assistant who does his typing"
WENDY: i'm not
STOP ACCUSING ME OF THAT
ALISON: then stop looking at me with those banana eyes
you know I'm powerless to resist you when you're making banana eyes at me!
WENDY: c'mon
i'm just a banana
it's NOT MY FAULT
ALISON: you know, for a banana you sure don't take much responsibility
it's always the other guy with you, isn't it
always someone else's fault
BANANA: I had a difficult childhood
This post should be kept in a ziploc bag.
ALISON: how was las vegas?
WENDY: it was okay
kinda fun
it got kinda tiring
i usually love it
but we usually stay somewhere quieter
the mgm grand is madness
but i entertained myself with the idea that they let the lions out to wander around the casino for fifteen minutes every night at midnight
ALISON: haha
would people place bets on it?
WENDY: it's just another kind of gamble
it's another way to encourage risk-taking
ALISON: exactly. you have to know someone to get in on the REAL gambling that goes on there
WENDY: like, i survived the lion release
i must be lucky
it would encourage a devil-may-care attitude
ALISON: I didn't know they really have lions there
where are they?
WENDY: in a big glass cage
near the poker room
ALISON: just like in the wild
WENDY: except for that fifteen minutes
when they could be ANYWHERE
ALISON: right
I can't even think about it without feeling like a lion is crawling up my leg!
WENDY: yeah
when i see one, instead of killing it
i trap it under a glass
and let it go outside
ALISON: I have a giant lion swatter
that I sometimes resort to
but sometimes I accidentally take out a wall
I'll be like "oh, I'm going to get you!"
and then I knock over the wall and the lion gets away
I probably should have lion proofed the apartment
WENDY: yeah
we're having ours tented
ALISON: that's smart
lions will get into everything
for example, you can't leave elk out overnight
they smell it
so I put all my elk in ziplock bags in the freezer
WENDY: smart
ALISON: I found a bunch of lions living in between my mattress and box spring
I almost threw up
OMFAAW
WENDY: alison
ALISON: yes
WENDY: I KILLED SOMEONE
ALISON: really?
WENDY: just kidding
but serena van der woodsen was NOT KIDDING
on gossip girl
ALISON: because I was ready to stand by you through thick and thin
because we are sisters
and, um
what else did she say to her?
she'll never let go
I have to say, I didn't quite see the killing coming
the lesbo porn
yes
the the murder was a delightful surprise
any theories about what's to come?
WENDY: don't you think
it was self-defense
like the guy tried to rape her
ALISON: maybe
yeah I wondered about that
WENDY: and she killed him
because a thrill kill is pretty unredeemable
ALISON: or maybe georgina told her she killed someone
except I bet it's on the tape
WENDY: but really it was georgina
ALISON: I hope it's not something where when it comes out I'm like "those fuckers"
"they cheesed out"
she just better have really killed someone
ALISON: now, you are just tuning in this season so you won't know what I mean, but I think rufus has become more attractive
dan's dad
WENDY: yeah
he's hot
but he looks like he's about 25
ALISON: yeah
I like them young
young dads
right
vanessa bugs me
WENDY: yeah
many people in the cast bug
ALISON: yeah
I like chuck and blair
that might be it
WENDY: there's not a lot of acting going on
you know, for a tv show
ALISON: I thought it's real?
WENDY: it's an acceptable amount of acting for like a tire dealership
Meanwhile, Alison loved him on Cheers
WENDY: i am watching annie hall
it's reminding me how much i used to love woody allen
he was one of my childhood crushes
ALISON: really?
WENDY: yes
ALISON: he would be so into that
WENDY: the soon-yi incident
was very hard on me
ALISON: see, sadly I would just take that as encouragement
WENDY: right, turns out that when i liked him is when i would have actually had a shot
this is likely the beginning of a zany screwball...
WENDY: i am watching a Lost recap for work
ALISON: fun! I've actually never seen that show
I'm transcribing a phone message about turtles for work
it's sad really
WENDY: that sounds fun
let's switch lives!
ALISON: believe me
while transcribing messages about turtles sounds glamorous
or even glamourous
(for our readers in England)
it
it's not
I put my heart and soul into this turtle business
FOR LITTLE RETURN
teens vs. cougars
ALISON: I was thinking that I, too, have a moderate amount to live for
and topping the list is The Hills, Keeping up with the Kardashians
Gossip Girl
and The Real World
WENDY: ugh. i just got hooked on Gossip Girl
WENDY: i avoided it
WENDY: but then
ALISON: welcome!
WENDY: it sucked me in
i think mainly i believe that if i stare at Serena long enough
i can somehow begin to look like her?
ALISON: aren't you dying to know what the secret is?
WENDY: yes, it's lesbo porn right?
ALISON: I think so
I actually went online to search for spoilers
WENDY: this week is the week that the teens took it back from the cougars
miley
gossip girl
they're all
in your face, tina fey and demi moore
!!
ALISON: yeah!
they're like, suck it, rue mcclanahan
eat this, martha washington!
April 2008
16 posts
As The Buttons Turn...
ALISON: want to know something that is totally unimportant but is driving me (slightly) crazy in a million ways?
WENDY: sure
ALISON: the leather holder that my blackberry comes in used to have a little silver colored button on it
magically it now has a black colored button on it
so either I have the wrong case
which is possible, it's possible that somehow they got switched at red eye I'm thinking
or—and I think I'm the only person who would be hanging on to the following ridiculous theory—some kind of chemical reaction occurred where the silver turned black
because since it's a magnet, stuff gets stuck to it all the time
WENDY: hmmm
it's clearly time for alison to go away for a nice long rest
ALISON: this, mixed with what's left of my knowledge of high school AP chemistry, leaves me thinking something which likely isn't possible, is possible
also, it's been talking to me
saying my name late at night
it said your name too, just fyi
WENDY: shit
don't kill me
i have a moderate amount of stuff to live for
ALISON: I won't!
I'm telling you TO PROTECT YOU
moderate is good, by the way
like a three if there were five options