Alison And Wendy

I can’t remember if I ruined the country because I...

This blog post is tired of your lies!

ALISON: did you watch the debate last night?
WENDY: on and off
i have mccain fatigue
and republican fatigue
like it's like being at the end of a relationship with an alcoholic
and you look around and you've lost your house and your caar
you have a black eye
the kids are in foster care
and they are like
BABY IT WILL GET BETTER
and you are like, no, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE
ALISON: and you're like "are you going to quit drinking?"
WENDY: right
ALISON: and they are like "well, no, but"
WENDY: and they are like, no, the drinking surge is working!
stay the course
ALISON: they are like,
thinking
I'm thinking here
yeah, they are like just what you said!

Answer your phone, Tom! Wendy wants to talk to you about a...

Despite this post, Alison wants you to...

WENDY: are you taking the plunge?
can i come to your wedding?
ALISON: yes! I was hoping you would perform at our wedding
WENDY: sure
my yodeling?
ALISON: yes!
WENDY: or my striptease?
ALISON: god I'm so bad at decisions
which is more matrimonial?
WENDY: or my yodelteases?
ALISON: yes! that
that sounds perfect
it's a theme wedding
the theme is "Jamaica me crazy"
WENDY: perfect
ALISON: and the colors we've chosen are sage and sagebrush
WENDY: i'll hire tom cruise circa Cocktail
i'm going for a walk now
ttyl!
good luck
i hope you fall in love
because i don't hate him
ALISON: that's the nicest thing i've ever heard

slouching towards Bethlehem.

Alison gives Wendy a preview of her...

WENDY: so what's up with you
did you throw up today?
ALISON: I didn't yet
WENDY: loser
ALISON: I know
I have to get on that more
well I live in Brooklyn now
WENDY: oh right
you are cool now
ALISON: totally
although I'm not in the cool part
and I'm doing stand up on Sunday
for the first time ever!
WENDY: do you wear legwarmers and get all your food out of a dumpster and buy cocaine from your landlord?
ALISON: yep
WENDY: and you have a cat named jesus?
ALISON: and a hermit crab named the antichrist
WENDY: oh, so standup
that sounds terrifying
the stand-up, not the hermit crab
ALISON: I'm not that scared
which is probably a bad thing
WENDY: nah, that's good!
audiences are like children
they respond well to confidence
ALISON: I look back on some dumb things I've done in life and think "I should have had more fear"
but ok
have you ever done it?
WENDY: um, no
i only do stuff with other people
hit me with one of your jokes
ALISON: did you hear the one about potato leek soup? it got everywhere
just kidding
that's not in my standup
WENDY: oh boy
wow
that is
hold on
um
geez
ALISON: are you barfing again?

Let's cut to the chase: someone threw up...

WENDY: HI!
ALISON: well hello!
WENDY: Okay, before we talk about anything else, let's talk about the sadness that was my morning
ALISON: ok
WENDY: I joined a lady-gym
that shall remain nameless
ALISON: curves?
WENDY: and i feel like to justify -- HEY I SAID NAMELESS!!!
ALISON: I don't follow direction well. okay, carry on
WENDY: anyway, to justify going there, I feel like I have to like, work out the hardest and burn a million calories
and they have a computer that tells you
so today, i really outdid myself
532 calories
and then
ALISON: wow!
WENDY: i threw up
ALISON: double wow
WENDY: in the bathroom
of the tiny curves
and i'm sure everyone heard me
even though
they totally didn't
ALISON: they probably think you're bulimic
ha ha
and an exercise nut
WENDY: gross
i ate breakfast right before i went
BIG MISTAKE
ALISON: what were you doing that led to the throwing up? (which machine?)
WENDY: the whole thing
i finished my workout
and then sailed right into the bathroom and tossed my cookies
but i get to add that on to my calorie loss right?
ALISON: totally
WENDY: just so our readers are clear
i am not skinny nor am i a nut
i am just a sad lady
who throws up at curves
and then goes home and eats a ho ho
ALISON: to replenish?
WENDY: sure
let's say
ALISON: you probably needed it
WENDY: i actually thought "well, i threw up, so surely i can eat this ho ho"
ALISON: to replace electrolytes and hoho...bits
WENDY: if bulimics were like me they'd be better off
balance your vomiting with a sensible hostess snack
ALISON: haha
but think if you ate the hoho before you threw up!
then you'd have a calorie defecit that would allow for like, a whole entenmanns
WENDY: oh my god
THAT IS MY DREAM
ALISON: I know, right?
WENDY: i should stroll out of the bathroom at Curves eating a box of donuts
and be like, "what, I THREW UP!"
STOP STARING AT ME