Alison And Wendy

pictured: Wendy’s baby

Readers, we need your help!

ALISON: I'm involved in a bet with someone over whether you can sell your blood
I think you can't anymore
and I'm having trouble finding adequate information about this on the internet
also, I started feeling woozy even searching it
because blood makes me queasy
so it was a dumb bet for me to make
WENDY: hmm
did you make this bet with a vampire?
because this won't end well for you
ALISON: I was trying to turn a trick with a vampire
WENDY: look, we've never asked our readers for ANYTHING
except love and an occasional handjob
let's let them find out!
and leave the info in the comments
ALISON: yes!
that sounds good!
ALISON: readers, this is your chance to help settle a very dumb bet
WENDY: also, i asked one of them to make me a wig of their own hair
and one to father my baby
ALISON: did they?
WENDY: yep
ALISON: awesome
WENDY: they did both!
ALISON: wow
WENDY: i'm wearing a wig and cuddling a newborn right now
ALISON: what kind of wig? what style?
WENDY: farrah fawcett
circa the '80s
ALISON: nice!
WENDY: oh, the wig? sorry. that's the type of baby i got.
ALISON: hahahaha
WENDY: the wig is a pageboy
ALISON: that must go well with your feathered baby
WENDY: it DOES

Hey, look! It's John Warner's new book!...

You will pay a price for this post.

ALISON: maybe I"m stoned
I have no short term memory
WENDY: did someone dope your lunch
let's retrace your steps.
ALISON: I can't remember!
WENDY: okay, let's think back
what did you have for lunch?
did you buy a brownie from a hippie?
ALISON: I had a salad
not from a hippie
from cafe metro
it had egg whites in it
and mushrooms
WENDY: ah hah! mushrooms
ALISON: but I'm not hallucinating
WENDY: oh ok
was the salad 1/8th of an ounce of salad?
WENDY: and it came in a tiny ziploc
ALISON: i bought a dime bag of salad
"salad"
ALISON: did you ever do mushrooms?
WENDY: yes i did mushrooms
we put them in oreos and at them once
because they taste DISGUSTING
ALISON: yeah I've heard they taste like dirt but worse
I never did them
WENDY: my clearest memory from that night is me and my friend Adriana standing in front of a mirror lifting our shirts up and comparing boobs
mine = bigger
hers = perkier
ALISON: interesting
WENDY: you pay a price in perk for giant jugs
ALISON: those are clear memories
WENDY: also
we went swimming naked with a bunch of people after we broke into a pool
also, we ate some jolly ranchers
boy were we douches
ALISON: wait, so this was or wasn't college?
WENDY: oh yes
how could this description not be college?

All this and giant puppets too.

ALISON: I remember being really stoned and going to a party
at one of the other colleges
and on the walk there we passed a bunch of parked cars
and we were figuring out what animal each car front looked like
actually, I think I was doing this in my head
and thought we were all doing it
I don't think you were there despite the way it sounds like i"m talking about something that involved you as well
anyway, it was really really entertaining
WENDY: hmm
i may have been there
did we then go see a show with Giant Puppets?
ALISON: YES
WENDY: because I was there that night
ALISON: okay, this is all making sense now [ed. - no, it isn't.]
because so many fucked up confusing thing happenes
WENDY: yeah
WENDY: we were REALLY STONED
SOOOO stoned
ALISON: but here is the best/worst part of the night
so we get to the damn quarry
and we're sitting there waiting for it to start
and it seemed SO long
and I remember being really uncomfortable
and wondering whether I was truly uncomfortable
or if the pot was making me think I was. like whether it made me more perceptive to something that really existed or more sensitive to some slight sensation
so I thought about that for a long time
and then i remember saying that I couldn't believe it hadn't started yet
but I didn't mean it like you'd think I meant it
what I meant was "I can't believe i get to experience ALL THIS (the preshow thoughts) AND get a puppet show too!"
that's how stoned I was
WENDY: ha ha
i think you told me that before
or i'm having deja vu
or i also had some "salad"

pictured: a cobb salad

Not hardcore enough!

watch and learn

WENDY: I'm eating rice pudding
the cadillac of puddings
ALISON: I love rice pudding
also, bread pudding
WENDY: and i'm eating it IN a cadillac
ALISON: I enjoy any carb plus pudding
WENDY: while dressed as a cadillac
ALISON: you have an eat-in cadillac?
LA is SO KEWL
WENDY: i know alison
watch and learn
ALISON: in NYC we have to sit inside the can of beans
while we eat it
I once opened a can of beans and there was a family of four living inside it
WENDY: not me
i roll in escalades with fifty cent
eating strawberry pop tarts
and eating prepared snacks
ALISON: strawberry pop tarts AND prepared snacks?
WENDY: well, i mean they are prepared snacks
but we eat others
reese's stix
ALISON: wow
granola bars?
WENDY: E.L.F. cookies
it's prety hard core alison
try to keep up

Unnacceptable in Wendy’s tricked out ride.

let's get in my drop top and have some...

WENDY: i was thinking about our old dining hall frary today
for some reason
ALISON: oh yeah?
WENDY: i was thinking i wish i didn't have to go to the grocery store
and then i thought "i wish they had adult dining halls"
and then i was like
"oh yeah they do -- they're called soup kitchens"
and then i thought
"i am such an asshole"
ALISON: also they have them in jail
but I thought you roll around in escalades eating fruit roll ups
WENDY: oh yeah i DO
but that is not A MEAL
that's just a snack
it's gauche to eat a meal in an escalade
light snacking
a juice box
ALISON: munching?
WENDY: and some cocaine
ALISON: could you nosh in an escalade?
or graze?
WENDY: you have SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT MY LIFESTYLE
we just call them SNACKS.
ALISON: we should probably do a reality show where we switch places
WENDY: i'll be like, hey l'il Kim and Amanda Peet, let's get in my drop top and have some quaker minis
ALISON: so I can enjoy a french dip in an escalade?
WENDY: NO ALISON. that is a MEAL
ALISON: dammit, I thought I understood!
WENDY: FUUUUUUUCK
it's like talking to a retarded baby
ALISON: I just want to eat some lobster bisque in an escalade
WENDY: JESUS
ALISON: but I guess that won't be happening
WENDY: i am quitting
ALISON: seared scallops?
WENDY: sigh

you are the x in my y

WENDY: Do it now!
ALISON: right now?
WENDY: yeah!!!! notice how I am the bee in your bonnet? always?
ALISON: you are totally the bee in my bonnet
and then ants in my pants
and the junk in my trunk
and the wind beneath my wings
WENDY: i am the something funny in your something funny
ALISON: yes!
that's exactly what I've been trying to say
you're the fake vomit in my rubber chicken

he’s wearing his money

this post is your oscar prize

ALISON: did you watch the oscars last night?
WENDY: yes
ALISON: I was distracted the whole time by the realization that I totally did not have the office oscar pool as sewn up as I thought I did
fucking Tilda
WENDY: so what did you lose?
ALISON: 65 dollars and cute purse filled with makeup
WENDY: just take one from a lady on the train
and scream THIS IS MY OSCAR PRIZE
i sincerely doubt anyone will fuck with you
ALISON: what if i get the one that's filled with men's undershorts instead of the one filled with money though
that happens sometimes
in heist movies
and assorted capers
WENDY: in some cultures, that IS money
like on Gay Island
ALISON: yeah

28 is perfectly yes and no

ALISON: isn't she really young?
WENDY: she's 28
so yes
and no
ALISON: yeah 28 is perfectly yes and no
WENDY: it seems young now that i'm 32
ALISON: right
but I don't begrudge anyone who's 28 anything
to me that's the litmus of young/old
WENDY: right
ALISON: how *I* feel about it
WENDY: for me
25 is a cutoff
like after 25, no excuses if you act like a douche
no one's fault but your own!

This post will ruin your special day.

WENDY: packing for san francisco
ALISON: what are you doing in san fran?
WENDY: to go to my sister's bridal shower
ALISON: ah
WENDY: i CANNOT wait to upstage her!
ALISON: make it about you!

Pictured: A bomb shelter

Put this post in the shower.

WENDY: ooh i just got an email
ALISON: oooh
WENDY: i don't wanna see who it's from
you look
ALISON: okay
oh
it's safe
WENDY: Ok
ALISON: but I put the email in the shower just in case
WENDY: what?
in the shower?
ALISON: yeah in case it was ticking
WENDY: hmm
this is making no sense
ALISON: it's what you do with suspicious emails!
you know
WENDY: do you put bombs in the shower?
ALISON: yes!
WENDY: i don't think that's safe
ALISON: clearly you haven't watched the same television I have
now that you bring it up, I dont see how a shower would help with a bomb
but
okay here it comes
there was an episode of Facts of Life
where Tootie was obsessed
OBSESSED
with Jermaine Jackson
WENDY: ok
ALISON: and she made something for him
a sculpture maybe
or a cake
anyway she finally got backstage
and wanted to see if he'd received her package
and he had but it was all soggy
because they put all the mail in the shower
WENDY: hmmm
WENDY: why?
i mean, i put my mail in there too
but I wana know why HE does it
ALISON: I'm going to google it
WENDY: i think this was maybe a dream you had
ALISON: okay
WENDY: or this is a dream I'm having
where we are chatting but not making sense
ALISON: I just said to my sister "have you ever heard of putting suspicious mail in the shower"
and she said
"what?!?!?!"
but almost angrily
thus, I don't think she has
ALISON: is your husband around?
I SWEAR I am not the only one who thinks this is the protocol with ticking or suspicious packages
WENDY: I asked my husband if he has ever heard of this
if you could have seen the look on his face
ALISON: so he's not familiar with this?
I'm getting the feeling I'm not quite aware how weird this sounds
WENDY: yeah

This was the last thing Wendy saw.

the economics of natural disasters

WENDY: it might rain here
ALISON: no way! are you scared?
WENDY: and then a rich person's house will fall off a cliff or there will be a mudslide
no, i'm not rich so i'm not scared
in LA it's more dangerous to be rich
your house is always burning down or falling off a cliff
ALISON: what if you're standing in the spot where the rich person's house lands though?
WENDY: it would have to fall directly from the sky
and i'm not ruling that out
ALISON: yeah I wouldn't
because the minute you do, bam
WENDY: posh spice probably lives in a house made of diamonds suspended from the moon by golden threads right above our house*
*apartment

Pictured: Alison’s soul

What color is your soul-hole?

WENDY: i am laying in bed watching westerns
i think if people read our chats, they will think all i do is watch various televison programs
and that would be correct
WENDY: i have a huge, tv shaped emptiness inside of me i'm trying to fill
ALSISON: me too!
it's shaped like Eastland Academy
from Facts of Life
Wait, maybe it was Eastland school for Girls
WENDY: mine is shaped like that sexy new terminator robot

Pour out a forty, Wendy done up and died, fool

wendy died

WENDY: hi
i have some kind of flu
not fun
this might be our last chat
i might be dying
ALISON: if you die, what do you want me to do re: the blog?
I'll respect your wishes... to a point
WENDY: well, it depends
ALISON: do you want me to change the theme to something more floral?
WENDY: i'd like you to scatter my ashes on our blog
ALISON: I'll do that on my work computer
no offense
WENDY: none taken
WENDY: here's what i want done with my body:
you know how people sneak their loved one's ashes into sporting venues
ALISON: yeah
WENDY: and scatter them on the field, then they get in trouble
ALISON: know it? I lived it
WENDY: i want some one to just throw my body onto the field
during the seventh inning stretch
at dodger stadium
ALISON: oh okay

Pictured: A Dangerous Sexual Predator

Cupid strikes again.

ALISON: hi!
WENDY: hello!
happy valentine's day
let's be in love!
ALISON: happy vday to you too
I am so already in love with you
it would be tough to be MORE in love with you
but I can try
WENDY: my brother sent me a happy vday message
so -- GET IN LINE
and also MY MOM
ALISON: I got a singing card from my mom and dad and mom and dad's dog
I got two cards from them
one from my mom (and dad and dog)
and another from my mom's dog (and mom and dad)
WENDY: you have more valentine's than you can handle
ALISON: it's true
WENDY: albeit ones that are a little, um, faulknerian
ALISON: yeah
WENDY: like, maybe don't hook up with them
ALISON: not even tobey?
WENDY: NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY
stay strong!
ALISON: but the cards sang!
WENDY: ok
go for it then

No wonder your dog wants you

WENDY: that was totally scrutable
ALISON: phew
I've been worried
in terms of scrute
WENDY: yes, you have been having scrute issues
WENDY: probably the "change of life"
ALISON: yeah
I've been having hot flashes
and scrute issues
WENDY: when i had thyroiditis
i DID have hot flashes
it was embarrassing
like i'd be at a dinner party, sweating like we were all running laps on the equator
people probably thought i was on meth
if that's what happens
i sort of think it might
i KNOW you lose your teeth
ALISON: when I sweat I get little beads of sweat on my upper lip
I call it a sweat 'stache
it's very attractive
WENDY: sexy
no wonder your dog wants you
ALISON: it looks good while I'm rearranging furniture
and polishing my guns
"no wonder your dog wants you" is the most withering insult
WENDY: sorry
ALISON: oh no, I wasn't insulted
I just mean it should be used as an insult
WENDY: i will use that
tonight at dinner with my husband
good idea?
ALISON: well, what kind of message are you trying to send
WENDY: um, i love you
is that way off?
i'm not very romantic
ALISON: I just wonder if you want to make it a little more extreme
or edgy
you know, something he'll really remember
maybe you want to drop from the ceiling
yelling
"no wonder your dog wants you"
do you think he would enjoy that?
WENDY: no wonder your dog wants you!
and then i dissolve in a puff of smoke!
and reappear right behind him
wearing a mascot costume
ALISON: now you're thinking romance!
WENDY: that's a little move i call "automatic divorce"

These people live inside Alison’s head. They eat spam...

This only makes sense if you've been...

ALISON: that would be a good story
i wonder if someone's already written it.
WENDY: prob not
ALISON: I'll do some googling
maybe I will put an away message that says "gone googlin'"
ALISON: or a facebook status
ANYWAY
years ago during room draw you had all these contingency plans involving room draw lottery numbers and a friend who was abroad I think
and you were saying that it was this crazy math/word problem and you felt like if you could just figure it out, you could somehow score a whole dorm
WENDY: really?
ALISON: for some reason I always think back to that
as a metaphor for things with variables
it must have been end of junior year
WENDY: did i get a whole dorm?
ALISON: no
you got a clark 5 room
WENDY: yeah
i loved that room
what brings this variables thing up?
are you doing a nyc room draw?
ALISON: oh I brought it up because I was talking about getting info where I'm like
"hmm... what to do with this info..."
like there must be some way to use it
akin to figuring out the secret code to snagging a whole dorm
WENDY: i think it's tough
ALISON: this may be the kind of thing that only works inside my head
ALISON: I think this call is coming from inside my head

happy christmas!

ALISON: hi
WENDY: hello
just got in from a snooowy walk from lunch
ALISON: is this the first time you've seen snow?
WENDY: ever?
ALISON: is it as wondrous as you were expecting
yes, I mean other than snow globes
WENDY: yes
now my body is a wonderland
or it's a winter wonderland
or something
WENDY: WHEN WILL SANTA COME?

ANDWENDY

WENDY: k hi
WENDY: i can talk whilst i'm putting on my face
WENDY: and i don't mean makeup
WENDY: it's a sort of face/off scenario
WENDY: nicholas cage and i are switching faces
WENDY: hmmm
WENDY: i guess you are off somewhere
WENDY: i'll see you at the reading
WENDY: but not if i see you first!

Bring to your next urban luau.

most bums will help

WENDY: how's the weather?
ALISON: it was warmer than usual this week
(in the 40s)
but it's supposed to be cold this weekend
(20s)
and next week too, I think
WENDY: yikes
i got a new pea coat today
and a turtleneck
ALISON: you'll definitely want to be wearing them
the pea coat under the turtleneck
WENDY: i hate the cold
ALISON: that's the style
WENDY: and then just wrap myself in a comforter
and put a sack on my head
and set myself on fire
ALISON: the thing that's hard is setting yourself on fire when your hands are already inside the comforter
sometimes you have to ask a bum to help you
but most bums will help
WENDY: and then they stick you in a trash can
and warm themselves around you
ALISON: exactly
feast on your bubbling flesh
it's like an urban luau

Pictured: Our next President

Alison is a survivor.

ALISON: anyway in 8th grade this kid in front of me by a few desks had a binder with a smelly sticker on it
it was a little piece of pie, that was smiling
and it said "pieelect"
or so I thought
WENDY: well sure
that's the first thing anyone would think
ALISON: exactly
WENDY: pie elect seems totally rational
WENDY: it's the pie you've elected before he takes office
ALISON: I meant to say I thought it was pielict
like a funny take on derelict
but pie
which really when you think about it makes NO sense
WENDY: both make PERFECT SENSE
i speak in a pie-based language
ALISON: but every day in English class I would look at the notebook
and think "pie-lict"
or pie-elict"
like derelict
BUT THEN ONE DAY
I realized it said "piefect"
like perfect
of course I still would misread it and then remind myself sadly
WENDY: oh no
what a letdown
i'm surprised you're as well adjusted as you are
those are the two things that can drive people to drug addiction --
childhood sex abuse, and misreading pie stickers
ALISON: I know
I"m a triumph

The Sad Tale of Ol' Wendy Toe-Face AKA...

WENDY: my friends will be here soon
to play some games
because we are NERDS
ALISON: awesome
what kind of games?
WENDY: we play this game called ticket to ride
it is the NERDIEST
ALISON: is it a role playing game
WENDY: no, you have to make train routes
ALISON: or a video game
or a most dangerous game?
WENDY: unless you count playing the role of a LOSER
well, it ends with hunting and killing humans
that's in the expansion pack
that's a nerd joke
for the nerds out there
you need to buy ticket to ride
and settlers of catan
that's some serious nerd fun
get some jolt cola
and keep being virgins
ALISON: is it a board game?
cards?
WENDY: these are board games
ALISON: do you roll dice?
WENDY: i will play almost any game at any time
ALISON: I just like word games
and taboo
and mind games
WENDY: i remember when we played a mind game
you made me love you
ALISON: then I disappeared
WENDY: and then you left me heartbroken at a hotel in miami
ALISON: shit was just getting intense
I needed to chill
but I always thought about you
WENDY: yeah, i understand
ALISON: I just wasn't ready for what you wanted
WENDY: i wasn't that into it either...
gunshot sound
ALISON: so I had to steal your money and hit it
ouch I'm bleeding
WENDY: oh, shit
i meant to kill myself
ALISON: great, now I have nine toes
WENDY: i am a terrible shot
ALISON: yeah really
WENDY: sorry
ALISON: it's cool
still got nine
tho I'll probably never wear huaraches again
WENDY: but that's your thing!
that and a beer-hat
ALISON: that's a tough sandal to spell
still got the beer-hat
WENDY: so you know, call me
ALISON: yeah, catch you around
WENDY: bye
ALISON: bye!
WENDY: gunshot sound
ALISON: have fun with your nerds
now I have 8 toes!
WENDY: sorry
gunshot sound
gunshot sound
i keep thinking your toes are my face
i have toe-face confusion -- it's a rare disease
ALISON: and yet it probably isn't that detrimental, except in cases like this where you are trying to shoot your own face but are shooting my toes.

Uh oh. Someone’s got camel-face.

hey, look!

None of your business.

Wendy is secretly a cat enthusiast.

ALISON: hello
WENDY: hai
WENDY: my cat is licking my arm!
ALISON: do you have a new cat?
WENDY: no, we had two
ALISON: or do you have many cats?
WENDY: now we have one
ALISON: you've always kept your feline arrangement very private
but i respect that
WENDY: it's true
ALISON: have you been burned before? catwise?
WENDY: a girl's cats are nobody's business but her own
ALISON: I'd like to applaud our restraint
for not making the obvious joke
WENDY: pussy pussy pussy pussy
WENDY: sorry
i couldn't take it!
ALISON: perhaps I spoke too soon
ALISON: I know
it was like not talking about the 500 pound pussy in the the room
WENDY: did you know?
that really it was my husband that had the cat
and then we got another one
which i like to remind people of when they talk about my cats
besides, if you have a husband you are ALLOWED
ALISON: if you have a husband you're allowed to have cats
you're allowed to complain about cramps
WENDY: also, i am watching The Brave One right now
jodie foster does not have a husband but SHE SURE LIKES CATS
WENDY: GET IT???
WENDY: SHE IS A GAY
ALISON: oh I get it
WENDY: NO, LISTEN ALISON
SHE IS A LESBIAN
THAT IS WHY MY JOKE IS FUNNY
ALISON: I've always felt that the best jokes need explaining
that's how you know they're funny
WENDY: totally

From left to right: Alison

how to pass time between mirrors

ALISON: does everyone pretend to be the rockettes when standing between two mirrors such as in any hotel bathroom in las vegas?
because I do
and I assume everyone does
WENDY: really?
ALISON: but maybe they really don't
WENDY: i do not
i try to get out of there right quick
i don't need to see myself in one mirror
ALISON: let alone an army of you?
WENDY: exactly
ALISON: try high kicking next time
WENDY: unless it was an awesome zombie army
ALISON: if you put on zombie makeup, it would be an awesome zombie army
WENDY: true
i think i'll do that

Wendy runs from a box of chocolates

Wendy is like a box of chocolates

WENDY: we are like jenny and forest gump
which means we will sleep together once and then you die of aids
ALISON: am I forest gump in this scenario?
I kind of maybe never saw that movie
WENDY: no
you are jenny
ALISON: oh good
WENDY: you die of aids, because it is an HISTORICALLY IMPORTANT disease
ALISON: I get to be jenny!
WENDY: i am forest
because i can only use one metaphor
where x = box of chocolates
read my blog
this blog is like a box of chocolates
my wedding vows
our love is like a box of chocolates
One time i had to review a box of chocolates
and time and space collapsed
ALISON: exactly
it was an infinite loop of chocolate boxes

death trumps pratfalls

ALISON: so I went to see someone today
and I tripped in the lobby
and fell
WENDY: oh no
ALISON: and it was strangely less embarrassing than you would think
and yet still very mortifying
I mean, I'm kind of laughing about it
it was weird
it was very smooth
no clattering
WENDY: i am trying to remember the last time i fell over
like really ate shit
ALISON: he said "whoa, you okay?"
and I said yes and then said "graceful though, wasn't it?"
and he had to admit it was
WENDY: i just pretend to be dead
until i am at the morgue
and then i say whoops, sorry
and that way i am not EMBARRASSED
ALISON: I did that once
I was bowling
and somehow my fingers got stuck in the ball and it kind of pulled me down the lane a bit
and then I was lying there
thinking "should I get up or not?"
like I actually thought that if I just stayed low to the ground, they wouldn't notice
that I was splayed across the lane
WENDY: if people think you are dead, they won't laugh
ALISON: yeah. death trumps pratfalls
or falls, really
WENDY: yeah

Pictured: Wendy

I have the precious.

WENDY: okay
WENDY: I am back!
LONG PAUSE
WENDY: oh no
WENDY: you died
WENDY: oh well
WENDY: i am immediately changing the name of this blog to just andwendy
ALISON: hi!
ALISON: sorry! I am here!
WENDY: fuck

This is the love of Alison’s life

This blog features one execution-style...

WENDY: i am watching the new hbo show
In Treatment
ALISON: oh is it harrowing?
WENDY: it's pretty good
ALISON: in a harrowing way though?
WENDY: it got bad reviews but i like it
ALISON: HARROWING
I just want to say it over and over
WENDY: it's kinda harrowing
it's not harrowing like, say, The Wire
which i have also started watching
where there is like one execution-style slaying a week
but maybe they'll start doing that on in treatment
ALISON: oh they should
WENDY: gabriel byrne will just lose his shit and kill his patients
SURPRISE ENDING
ALISON: i think In Treatment is probably similar to my new favorite show, Celebrity Detox
ALISON: but more harrowing