Alison And Wendy

Hugh Jackman, massaging his blogging hands

alisonandhugh

WENDY: sorry i've been MIA
completely overloaded with work
ALISON: it's cool
I've replaced you
WENDY: wow
with who?
ALISON: you didn't really expect me to sit around and wait did you?
WENDY: gosh, yes
ALISON: I think you know who
WENDY: i thought i was the best you could get
ALISON: well i thought so too
WENDY: HUGH JACKMAN?
ALISON: until I met
ALISON: hugh jackman
he's WONDERFUL
WENDY: but he hates blogging
ALISON: I mean, you were wonderful too
WENDY: he has those long razorlike claws
ALISON: but he's wonderful in a different way
he's actually come around on the blogging
I told him it was a dealbreaker
and he was afraid to lose me
WENDY: did he get special gloves?
ALISON: so he's learning to blog
WENDY: for his wolverine hands
ALISON: he has an assistant who blogs for him
WENDY: ugh
i hate rich people
ALISON: it's taken some getting used to for me
but I'm trying
he's worth it
WENDY: i guess
if handsome and super-talented is your thing
ALISON: lo and behold it is
WENDY: i wish i could be angry
but i think anyone would rather i.m.with HJ than me
ALISON: no, don't do that to yourself
it's not you
it's hugh jackman
he and I are just a better fit
at this point
just kidding!
I'm still in love with you
surprise!
just testing you
WENDY: oh my god thank god
i can't lose another relationship to him
first my mom and dad
then this
it would have been too much
ALISON: I did love hanging out with your parents at his house

Pictured: Doc Brown, Wendy

McFly

Wendy: I played in a Writer's Guild Poker tournament
alison: oh neat!
Wendy: and as the tourney went on
Wendy: we condensed tables
Wendy: and I wound up two people over from Matthew Perry
alison: man, unions get all the breaks
Wendy: and I really had to resist the urge to say "Hey, Ross"
Wendy: which i think is a FUNNY JOKE
Wendy: but i don't think he would have thought so
Wendy: but i think now that will be my greatest regret
Wendy: i'll be at the hospital, on my deathbed, and i will look my grandchildren in the eye
Wendy: and it will be like "grandma's trying to say something"
Wendy: and they'll all lean in
Wendy: and i'll say
Wendy: "i regret not calling Matthew Perry 'Ross'"
Wendy: And then an angel will come get me
alison: and they'll be like "huh?"
Wendy: right
alison: no offense to your future grandkids
alison: I just suspect they'll be kinda dumb
Wendy: and some of them will even have no sense of humor
Wendy: and they'll be like "i think she meant chandler"
alison: right
alison: exactly
Wendy: "he played chandler"
alison: they'll chalk it up to senility
Wendy: angel me will be like
Wendy: THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY ASSHOLE GRANDCHILDREN
alison: there is seriously nothing more frustrating than being dead and trying to explain a joke to the living
Wendy: when are you and schwimmer getting married
alison: it's a big secret
I would tell you
but I can't
okay fine, I can't keep secrets
alison: it's tomorrow
Wendy: oh
Wendy: I'm busy
alison: are you coming?
alison: damn
Wendy: i have to go get my tubes tied
Wendy: so those grandkids never happen
alison: but you'll change future history forever!
Wendy: michael j. fox's parents will never get married
alison: right now there is a digital photo of you that's getting very faint

This post wants to be more than friends.

alison: hello!
Wendy: hi
alison: how'd the promo go?
Wendy: went fine
we sat thru an entire taping of Deal OR No Deal
alison: did you see who the banker is?
did you want to punch a contestant?
Wendy: the taping was like three hours
alison: did you marry howie?
Wendy: yes
Wendy: i took the deal
alison: congrats!!!!!
Wendy: KILL ME
Wendy: i made a deal or no deal pun
Wendy: I MUST BE STOPPED
alison: and make howie a widower?
alison: I could never do that to him
Wendy: did you marry ross from friends
alison : YES!!
alison: we're more than FRIENDS
alison: kill me too!

Please be respectful of Wendy during...

WENDY: listen, I am reeling from a tragedy i hate to unload on you ALISON: it’s okay unload...

Pictured: Alison’s best friends.

This post will never be heard from...

ALISON: I liked joe millionaire
WENDY: joe millionaire was genius
ALISON: of course now I can't rmember any of them but zora
WENDY: and then she did those nutrisystem ads
ALISON: she loves chocolate
and will do any diet that allows her to eat chocolate
that's what I remember from the ad
ALISON: but you've never seen joe schmo right?
or have you seen it?
WENDY: oh i saw the second season
it was funny
actually i AUDITIONED for the first joe schmo show
the part went to Kristin Wiig
ALISON: well, no one will ever hear of her again
WENDY: which is why she will be doing SNL this week
and I will be taping a Deal Or No Deal Promo
ALISON: are you in the promo?
WENDY: no no
worse
I WROTE IT
ALISON: what's the premise?
WENDY: this is the saddest part
I CAN'T SAY

we're on your dates, having your babies

WENDY: I know a lot of cool women out here
ALISON: women are so annoying though
always talking about how they FEEL
and hugging for no reason
WENDY: and then a baby pops out
and they nurture it
ALISON: I know!
and they get all fat before the baby pops out
WENDY: gross
NO FAT CHICKS
ALISON: Fat chicks are gross
WENDY: i know
ALISON: you know what women do?
WENDY: no?
ALISON: they try to trap men by having their babies
WENDY: right
I KNOW
my sister keeps trapping her husband, she's trapped him with three babies now
ALISON: the first thing I think about when I meet a guy
is, What Would Wendy's Sister Do

This post bores Alison.

WENDY: oh i am just leaving work
WENDY: sorry i've been missing
WENDY: i was briefly abducted and held against my will
WENDY: or i forgot to log on
WENDY: YOU DECIDE
ALISON: hmm
ALISON: don't take this the wrong way
but your icon is BORING
I just fell asleep looking at your icon
WENDY: yeah
WENDY: I was gonna do a big set of hairy balls in front of an exploding fireworks display
WENDY: but THEY DON'T MAKE THAT
ALISON: oh, see I would have liked the hairy balls you describe

Alison and Wendy

we've changed

ALISON: it's been so long since we've talked
WENDY: it's true
it's awkward
ALISON: i know
WENDY: like we took a break from our relationship
ALISON: I feel like you've changed
you don't... feel the same
WENDY: I have
I'm an english butler now!
named geoffrey!
ALISON: I've changed too
into Mr. Belvedere
WENDY: you have?
ALISON: don't you see, Geoffrey?
WENDY: we still have a lot in common
ALISON: the more we change, the more we change in the same way
WENDY: i know
ALISON: streaks on the china, never mattered before
WENDY: who cares?
ALISON: I'm sorry I drop kicked my jacket when I came through the door

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW.

ALISON: (02:57:33 pm): hello!
WENDY: hello
WENDY: one sec -- ladies room
ALISON: okay
ALISON: I'll meet you in there
ALISON: it's funny because I"m not actually able to meet you in there
ALISON: since by the time I got there it would be hours from now
ALISON: and you would have already gone
WENDY: maybe
ALISON: you think you could hold it for that many hours?
WENDY: i might find something else to do in there -- like stage an impromptu production of "Angels In America"
WENDY: that would fill the time
WENDY: until you got here
ALISON: that WOULD fill the time

pictured: Wendy’s baby

Readers, we need your help!

ALISON: I'm involved in a bet with someone over whether you can sell your blood
I think you can't anymore
and I'm having trouble finding adequate information about this on the internet
also, I started feeling woozy even searching it
because blood makes me queasy
so it was a dumb bet for me to make
WENDY: hmm
did you make this bet with a vampire?
because this won't end well for you
ALISON: I was trying to turn a trick with a vampire
WENDY: look, we've never asked our readers for ANYTHING
except love and an occasional handjob
let's let them find out!
and leave the info in the comments
ALISON: yes!
that sounds good!
ALISON: readers, this is your chance to help settle a very dumb bet
WENDY: also, i asked one of them to make me a wig of their own hair
and one to father my baby
ALISON: did they?
WENDY: yep
ALISON: awesome
WENDY: they did both!
ALISON: wow
WENDY: i'm wearing a wig and cuddling a newborn right now
ALISON: what kind of wig? what style?
WENDY: farrah fawcett
circa the '80s
ALISON: nice!
WENDY: oh, the wig? sorry. that's the type of baby i got.
ALISON: hahahaha
WENDY: the wig is a pageboy
ALISON: that must go well with your feathered baby
WENDY: it DOES