Alison And Wendy

Let us do the talking. You just be pretty.

Alison and Wendy are Alison Rosen and Wendy Molyneux. They are involved in various exciting endeavors including book writing, television being on, magazine editing, celebrity interviewing, list making, script writing, comedy performing and, if you are Wendy, buying sandwiches for your sister's family with whom you are going to the zoo.

Need to know more about Wendy's book? We thought so.

LINKS WE LIKE

Corporate Casual
Garfield Minus Garfield
Paul Scheer
Chris Monks
Jeff Drake

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Sat Oct 4

slouching towards Bethlehem.

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Alison gives Wendy a preview of her stand up

WENDY: so what's up with you
did you throw up today?
ALISON: I didn't yet
WENDY: loser
ALISON: I know
I have to get on that more
well I live in Brooklyn now
WENDY: oh right
you are cool now
ALISON: totally
although I'm not in the cool part
and I'm doing stand up on Sunday
for the first time ever!
WENDY: do you wear legwarmers and get all your food out of a dumpster and buy cocaine from your landlord?
ALISON: yep
WENDY: and you have a cat named jesus?
ALISON: and a hermit crab named the antichrist
WENDY: oh, so standup
that sounds terrifying
the stand-up, not the hermit crab
ALISON: I'm not that scared
which is probably a bad thing
WENDY: nah, that's good!
audiences are like children
they respond well to confidence
ALISON: I look back on some dumb things I've done in life and think "I should have had more fear"
but ok
have you ever done it?
WENDY: um, no
i only do stuff with other people
hit me with one of your jokes
ALISON: did you hear the one about potato leek soup? it got everywhere
just kidding
that's not in my standup
WENDY: oh boy
wow
that is
hold on
um
geez
ALISON: are you barfing again?

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Fri Oct 3

Let's cut to the chase: someone threw up this morning.

WENDY: HI!
ALISON: well hello!
WENDY: Okay, before we talk about anything else, let's talk about the sadness that was my morning
ALISON: ok
WENDY: I joined a lady-gym
that shall remain nameless
ALISON: curves?
WENDY: and i feel like to justify -- HEY I SAID NAMELESS!!!
ALISON: I don't follow direction well. okay, carry on
WENDY: anyway, to justify going there, I feel like I have to like, work out the hardest and burn a million calories
and they have a computer that tells you
so today, i really outdid myself
532 calories
and then
ALISON: wow!
WENDY: i threw up
ALISON: double wow
WENDY: in the bathroom
of the tiny curves
and i'm sure everyone heard me
even though
they totally didn't
ALISON: they probably think you're bulimic
ha ha
and an exercise nut
WENDY: gross
i ate breakfast right before i went
BIG MISTAKE
ALISON: what were you doing that led to the throwing up? (which machine?)
WENDY: the whole thing
i finished my workout
and then sailed right into the bathroom and tossed my cookies
but i get to add that on to my calorie loss right?
ALISON: totally
WENDY: just so our readers are clear
i am not skinny nor am i a nut
i am just a sad lady
who throws up at curves
and then goes home and eats a ho ho
ALISON: to replenish?
WENDY: sure
let's say
ALISON: you probably needed it
WENDY: i actually thought "well, i threw up, so surely i can eat this ho ho"
ALISON: to replace electrolytes and hoho...bits
WENDY: if bulimics were like me they'd be better off
balance your vomiting with a sensible hostess snack
ALISON: haha
but think if you ate the hoho before you threw up!
then you'd have a calorie defecit that would allow for like, a whole entenmanns
WENDY: oh my god
THAT IS MY DREAM
ALISON: I know, right?
WENDY: i should stroll out of the bathroom at Curves eating a box of donuts
and be like, "what, I THREW UP!"
STOP STARING AT ME

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Thu Jul 31

Wendy doesn't care about how Alison almost ate a caterpillar and its amber-hued egg sack

ALISON: any natural disaster befall you because I have a disgusting animal story to tell you about
WENDY: shit. in meeting all day
about to go back in
so save it for tomorrow
ALISON: ok. I'll give you a hint to take to your meeting: caterpillar eggs
WENDY: yikes
no thanks
bye forever

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Wed Jul 30

“I think it’s cute,” said a pug owner.

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Alison Is So Worried About Me

alison: hello!
Wendy: hi
Wendy: how goes?
alison: I just got back from apartment hunting
alison: mike walked around with me
alison: it's exhausting
alison: how goes with you?
alison: also have you seen that beast of a thing on gawker? it frightens me
Wendy: it's some kind of PR thing
alison: yeah
alison: do you think it's a photoshopped photo?
Wendy: i am not sure
Wendy: and i believe that you are experiencing "generalized anxiety"
alison: like head of a turtle and body of a dog or something
Wendy: but here's the thing
Wendy: if it was real
Wendy: would be on THE NEWS
alison: true
Wendy: and yes, i am fine after the earthquake, thanks for asking
Wendy: now let's talk about an imaginary pig dog again
alison: I was just going to ask!
Wendy: ha ha ha
alison: because I just realized what an asshole I am
Wendy: my nephew called it an earth cake
alison: that's so cute!
Wendy: and said he "heard" it
alison: aww
Wendy: kids say the darndest things
Wendy: about natural disasters
alison: where were you when it hit and was it insane?
Wendy: i was on the second story of a high rise
Wendy: so it was a little unsettling
Wendy: but you know, earthquakes are great as long as you live
alison: did you get under a desk or go into a doorway?
Wendy: you pretty much know the outcome right away
alison: I've never actually seen anyone get under a desk
Wendy: are you getting a place by yourself?
alison: I just realized I didn't even mention the earthquake in the email I sent last night
alison: sorry
Wendy: i really don't care
alison: you're so proud wendy
alison: still upper lip
alison: stiff I meant
alison: but still upper lip, too
Wendy: i just thought it was funny
Wendy: that you were so worried about that imaginary pig dog
alison: well, it's scary
Wendy: and fake
alison: yeah
alison: I mean scary looking
alison: not like actually scary
Wendy: sure
alison: or rather, I mean gross looking
Wendy: true
Wendy: are you moving to brooklyn
Wendy: ?
Wendy: like everyone in new york does?
alison: well actually I'd say at this point it's 50/50
alison: I could go either way
Wendy: manhattan is deserted right? i saw that documentary, "I Am Legend"
Wendy: don't live in manhattan
alison: manhattan is completely underwater
Wendy: will smith will try to talk to you
alison: I'm wearing a snorkel right now
alison: will smith just swam by
Wendy: oh, is the head of the statue of liberty still in the street?
alison: yes
alison: hobos are living inside it
alison: hobos and hermit crabs
Wendy: well, keep a still upper lip about it

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Tue Jul 15

This post is about your mom.

alison: hi! I have to leave in about 5 mins for a meeting
Wendy: okay!
Wendy: can i come?
Wendy: i'll get in my pneumatic tube
alison: well, we were kind of going to be talking about you
alison: do you think it would be awkward?
Wendy: oh
Wendy: is it with my mom?
alison: yeah, with your mom and your sisters
Wendy: i already know what she thinks of me
Wendy: i read her blog
alison: I think she says stuff on twitter that's different from what she says on her blog
alison: just so you know
Wendy: i'll just stay here then
Wendy: tell them i love them
alison: will do!

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Tue Jul 1

I think, therefore I'm a meat piñata

ALISON: hello!
WENDY: hi meat piñata
ALISON: I feel so objectified when you call me that
WENDY: and i feel objectified when you don't
ALISON: look wendy
WENDY yes?
ALISON: I see you as so much more than the frilly bits of paper you coat yourself in
I see you as a constellation of things and ideas
you're like a tag cloud to me
and so to just call you meat piñata
feels wrong to me
WENDY: look, haven't you ever heard the saying, "tell pretty people they are smart, tell smart people they are pretty, and tell wendy she's a meat piñata" in an obscure reference to a party you went to where they actually had a meat piñata?
ALISON: I have heard that
I just don't really see how it applies here

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Wendy performing stand-up.

[Note: go here for the backstory to all this meat piñata madness]

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Wed Jun 25

NSFW

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