Alison And Wendy

Alison has a new web show called The Daily Alison and she hopes...

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 01:38:45 -0400

Alison has a new web show called The Daily Alison and she hopes you will tune in. Perhaps you’d like to watch this video? Yes, yes you would. Oh and hi Wendy, hope you don’t mind I’m borrowing this space to promote the living shit out of myself.

Your obnoxious friend,

Alison

this is a stylish daytime post

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:24:40 -0400

ALISON: hi!
WENDY: hello!
ALISON: how goes it?
WENDY: good
thinking about putting some pants on soon
ALISON: what kind of pants?
it's interesting because I'm thinking about taking some pants off soon
WENDY: just, you know, daytime pants
ALISON: I have daytime pants too!
WENDY: like people wear who don't work from home
ALISON: oh
wait
that's a different type of daytime pant
WENDY: this sweater and pajama bottoms look i'm rocking is great, mind you
ALISON: you're talking full on public pants
WENDY: wait, tell me more about your daytime pants
signed, curious in california
ALISON: well they're really my writing pants
which if you say it fast sounds like riding pants
hence, conjures some kind of stylish jodpurs
but no
they are velour sweat pants
elastic waist
WENDY: oh, very 2002
ALISON: draw string
WENDY: go onnnnnnnnnn
ALISON: they're also for light erranding
WENDY: i just got a daytime boner
ALISON: often I'll wear them in the morning, take a shower, and then put them back on
that's when I really feel good about the way my life is going

Wendy has taken her profile down.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:16:22 -0400

WENDY: okay let's pretend like it's three months ago and discuss the movie "twilight"
ALISON: ok!
WENDY: did u see?
oh boy
it's awkward
ALISON: I did see it
it's very awkward
have you?
WENDY: i have watched half
oh boy
if that's what teenage vampire love is like, i'm going to take my picture down from TeenageVampireBook
and my profile
and i am not going to superpoke any teen vampires
ALISON: I totally hate the teenagevampirebook resdesign!!!!

The first rule of wikipedia? You must talk about wikipedia.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 16:21:49 -0400

WENDY: wikipedia is pretty full of itself
look at me, I know everything
ALISON: look at me, I'm full of rules and special instructions that no one understands
they are like mufti
WENDY: yeah
i changed someone's wikipedia once. someone I knew was lying on their page.
ALISON: oh yeah? should we explain mufti for chris our one fan?
WENDY: oh yeah, mufti was a secret society at Pomona College which no one cared about or wanted to be in

Pictured: A Vagina

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:34:42 -0400

Pictured: A Vagina

Would you like to watch some TV? Perhaps some Dancing With The Stars?

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:33:00 -0400

ALISON:what else should we talk about?
WENDY: hmmm
britney spears showed her vagina
ALISON: nice!
WENDY: at a concert
and called it her "pussy" in front of everyone
ALISON: you're at a concert?
WENDY: no, but britney was
ALISON: I missed that first line
WENDY: i just talk about my vagina at home
ALISON: do you call it something different in front of other people?
WENDY: yeah, I call it "Dancing With the Stars"
ALISON: that's what you call it when you have company over?
WENDY: yes
i say, would you like to see Dancing With The Stars?
ALISON: because you invited me to a dancing with the stars viewing party
and clearly I didn't realize what I was potentially in for!
that's so disengenous Wendy
I feel like if you wanted to show off your lady parts you could just be more straightforward about it
WENDY: fine.
would you like to come over on Thursday for the "Idol Results Show?"
BRING LUBE

Wandy and Elison: Bed spallers

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:11:23 -0400

WENDY: i used to be a really good speller
ALISON: me too!
WENDY: i peaked in fourth grade when i went to the regional championships
in Marion County
ALISON: wow
WENDY: I lost on "ombudsman"
ALISON: how did you spell it?
WENDY: i dunno
just wrong
ALISON: yeah I used to be pretty good at spelling too
and now I'm somewhere between retarded and moronic
it's a and e that get me
like inadvertent?
or inadvertant?
WENDY: the first one
ALISON: alison or elison?
WENDY: wandy molynaux
ALISON: hm, I wonder what I twittered last night
WENDY: were you drunk?
ALISON:: nope
just kind of stapid
raterdad. I don't mean I don't know WHAT I twittered
I mean I don't know which way I spelled inadvertent
WENDY: i can't get into twitter
i really don't want anyone to know what i'm doing or how i feel
that's what makes my marriage work
ALISON:: I imagine, yes
WENDY: secrets
a wall of silence
ALISON: I've decided that my general feeling on these matters is: "please don't be yourself around me"
WENDY: emotional inaccessibility
ALISON: sounds very comforting

Wendy's exciting career news, now with uncomfortable urban lingo.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:38:12 -0400

WENDY: i am super-urban
my rap career is about to drop, as they say.
right now it's mainly mumbling to myself and not making eye contact, but that's how most rappers start off
ALISON: wow you must so excited!
are you?
WENDY: yeah
i'm cautiously optimistic
that's the name of my album
and also my rap moniker
ALISON: I like it
WENDY: it was either "cautiously optimistic" or "courtney"
i think i made the right choice
ALISON: not "this 40's half full"?
WENDY: yeah, but like 1940's right?
my rap has a 1940's theme
ALISON: that's why you're about to drop and go viral
WENDY: My sound evinces both the relief that the long wars in Europe and Asia are over, but also the grinding sense of moral ambiguity about the dropping of the A-bomb
which will eventually explode into the outright anti-government stance of the populace in the 60s and 70s
ALISON: but you can dance to it
WENDY: yep
my rap got a 5 on the US History AP exam
ALISON: your rap had a pretty cushy senior year of college because it had some credits already, huh?
WENDY: you betcha!
ALISON: my one woman show only got a 2 on the AP History exam
it's called "Hooray for the Hindenberg"
and it's about great moments in history
WENDY: yeah, "hooray for the hindenburg" is a pretty unsupportable position
ALISON: like how flappers invented the printing press
(flapping paper)
WENDY: oh boy
it's wrong AND it's a pun
ALISON: and how you can cure polio with bathtub gin
WENDY: gunshot sound

Meet Alison at Hollywood and Vine!

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:03:42 -0400

WENDY: all my friends from Kansas City worked at Hallmark at some point
ALISON:really?
on the compound?
it sounds like it's its own city
Hallmark, MO
WENDY: like a smurf village
ALISON: wait, is it MO or is it KS
WENDY: because kc is in KS and MO
everyone really CARES
whether you say they are from KS or MO
ALISON: I wonder why that is
WENDY: i guess if it's like Orange County/LA
Like you are from OC and I am from LA
WENDY: which makes me better than you
ALISON: right
it makes you more urban
ALISON: maybe because if you're telling someone to meet you you want to make sure they know to go to the right state
WENDY: right, like how many times have you and I not met up because I meant to meet at the Hollywood and Vine intersection in Ohio
and there you were standing at the Hollywood and Vine in Montana
like a jackass
ALISON: and was hoping you meant the Hollywood and Vine intersection in my living room
that happened once

Alison stole your feelings.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:35:40 -0400

WENDY: so what is going on?
you bankrupted Hallmark magazine?
ALISON: oh yes, I bankrupted Hallmark magazine
because I drank all their coffee
and I stole all the shoeboxes
WENDY: yep
and all the FEELINGS
ALISON: I also ransacked the sentiment
and looted the whimsy

Sexy!

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 11:29:49 -0500

Sexy!

Gloves beneath our gloves

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 11:26:42 -0500

ALISON: so I was cleaning my bathroom earlier
WENDY: uh huh
ALISON: and sometimes I wear those super sexy gloves
WENDY: the yellow ones
ALISON: to protect my skin from harsh chemicals or something
mine are more seafoam
WENDY: sexy
ALISON: but yes, they're like yellow ones
but I think the gloves irritate my skin
I need gloves under the gloves
WENDY:: latex allergy?
that's a real thing
ALISON: I don't think these are latex
WENDY: and very common according to tv shows about doctors
ALISON: they're sheepskin
I can really feel the toilet and sink better
WENDY: oh, that's very mediaeval
ALISON: they're more expensive
but more intimate
WENDY: i spelled thta wrong
and again
ALISON: I thought it was olde mediaeaaval spelling
like faerie

It's just Perez Hilton now.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 13:53:07 -0500

{ed. note: this post is about last week's big kerfuffle when tumblr decided to take down a few blogs that were deemed to be too "harrassing" of other tumblr users.}

ALISON: so I heard that tumblr put those blogs back up? is that true?
WENDY: yeah, they are back up
so dumb
ALISON: totally
WENDY: i wonder if tumblr will take down our blog because we are so negative to ourselves
we had to save the tumblr community from self-harrassment
any blogger with low self esteem will be censored
ALISON: that would be so great
ha
WENDY: i wish they would
ALISON: the internet would be so... small
WENDY: yeah
it would just be perez hilton

Alison, Wendy

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 12:11:47 -0500

Alison, Wendy

"wait, let me put lipstick on this post"

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 12:06:31 -0500

WENDY: i am going to try taking snapshots of our chats to post
instead of copying and pasting
ME: wait, let me put lipstick on this post
WENDY: but if your gmail saves it automatically will you email me?
ME: ok ready
WENDY: open a button
another one
STOP CRYING
I WANT TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE
ME: how's this?
WENDY: Don't be such a baby
ME: I want our chats to be shot tastefully
WENDY: you'll never get ahead in this town unless you let me take sexy pictures of your i.m.s
ME: well, they're just for your personal collection right?
WENDY: hmm. no, the snaps won't work
ME: ok let me see if I close this window if it automatically saves
hold
WENDY: i mean, i can save it too
but i thought if yours autosaved it'd be easy
ME: yeah I was able to pull it up
it autosaves
WENDY: sweet
ME: awesome
so should I put my clothes back on?
WENDY: NO
i like you natural

It's not what you're eating, it's that you're eating your mail.

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:50:28 -0500

ALISON: hey!
hello
WENDY: i am watching millionaire matchmaker
but i should be sorting my mail
i hate mail
ALISON: I hate mail too
in fact, I hardly ever open it
WENDY: it's all junk
i remember when i was a kid and mail was so exciting
ALISON: so when you say "sort" do you mean "throw out"
WENDY: shred
probably
ALISON: oooh fancy
i don't have a mail shredder
I have to eat mine

I can’t remember if I ruined the country because I started...

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:15:08 -0400

I can’t remember if I ruined the country because I started drinking, or if I started drinking because I ruined the country.

This blog post is tired of your lies!

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:11:06 -0400

ALISON: did you watch the debate last night?
WENDY: on and off
i have mccain fatigue
and republican fatigue
like it's like being at the end of a relationship with an alcoholic
and you look around and you've lost your house and your caar
you have a black eye
the kids are in foster care
and they are like
BABY IT WILL GET BETTER
and you are like, no, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE
ALISON: and you're like "are you going to quit drinking?"
WENDY: right
ALISON: and they are like "well, no, but"
WENDY: and they are like, no, the drinking surge is working!
stay the course
ALISON: they are like,
thinking
I'm thinking here
yeah, they are like just what you said!

Answer your phone, Tom! Wendy wants to talk to you about a job.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:10:25 -0400

Answer your phone, Tom! Wendy wants to talk to you about a job.

Despite this post, Alison wants you to know that she's still very much single

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:05:48 -0400

WENDY: are you taking the plunge?
can i come to your wedding?
ALISON: yes! I was hoping you would perform at our wedding
WENDY: sure
my yodeling?
ALISON: yes!
WENDY: or my striptease?
ALISON: god I'm so bad at decisions
which is more matrimonial?
WENDY: or my yodelteases?
ALISON: yes! that
that sounds perfect
it's a theme wedding
the theme is "Jamaica me crazy"
WENDY: perfect
ALISON: and the colors we've chosen are sage and sagebrush
WENDY: i'll hire tom cruise circa Cocktail
i'm going for a walk now
ttyl!
good luck
i hope you fall in love
because i don't hate him
ALISON: that's the nicest thing i've ever heard